On Parenting a Four Year Old

Warning:  This is a brutally honest post about parenting.  It is not my intent to disparage any of my kids, but instead reflect on my personal challenges and improvements I can make.

One fact about my life blows my mind every time I think about it.

I have three kids.

I swear, wasn't I in college the other day?

As any one with kids knows, parenting isn't exactly a stroll in the park…

Presently, my biggest challenge as a parent can be summed up in one word:  Caroline.

 I love her to death, but she is like a vampire that sucks every ounce of  parenting energy/willpower that exists in me.  I was telling Ben the other day, if you had to break down the percentage of energy that each child requires of me, it would look something like this:

Emily: 2%
James: 15%
Caroline: 83%

Caroline is a bundle of energy, fun, excitement, movement, laughter, and personality... yet at the same time she is strong-willed, opinionated, loud, defiant, moody, demanding, irrational, unyielding, deceptive (this is new),  and the worst eater on the face of the planet.

In other words, she's a trip.

I'm just trying to be honest, I love all my children, but as anyone with more than one child knows, they can be so different from each other and challenging at so many different levels.

I keep thinking Caroline is going to grow out of this "phase."  Emily was a difficult three year old too.  And then a couple months after she turned four she turned a corner… she became more pleasant, agreeable, rational, and mature…. Yes, MATURE, as a FOUR year old.  These same adjectives still describe her today.

So, I just figured C would follow the same trajectory… three was difficult, but no worries, four is right around the corner!  But now, at four and eleven months, she is just as difficult, if not more so, than she was at three.

How could this beautiful child be difficult?  It defies explanation!

Here is an example of her recent irrationality driving me to insanity:

She has a fixation with the word, "Ok"

M: Caroline, go put your shoes on.
C: Ok. (waiting for my reply) OK!... I said OK!!!
Me: Ok Caroline!
C: Ok….OK!!
M:  Caroline, only say OK once, ok?
C:  OK. (waiting)   OK!!

We now have a rule that if she says "Ok" more than one time, she gets a strike, three strikes in one day means no television... tv is her currency, the world ends if she doesn't get to watch television.  So far it's been working.

The mornings are especially challenging.  She has preschool at 9:00 and it's closer to 10:00 before we get there.

Getting dressed is like participating in an exhausting debate match.  Every day she wants to wear a skirt.  Every day I tell her that she can, as long as she wears leggings, because it's WINTER.  And every day it's like I'm telling her this for the first time… she bursts into crocodile tears and throws herself on the floor because I am making her wear leggings. Yes, I can threaten her with pants instead, which is what I usually do to get her to wear the skirt and leggings… but the whole exchange every morning just wears me down.  By the way, any wardrobe suggestion I make to her, she automatically vetoes.  I can pick three viable outfits, and tell her to pick one.  She'll look them over and say, "I don't want any of those" and then will go pick something else out, like a t-shirt and skirt for 30 degree weather.

So here is what we've started doing:

We have been picking out her clothes the night before.  Yes, she still has VERY strong opinions on what she'll wear, but it makes the morning smooth because there's no fuss.  In fact, this morning she was all dressed from head to toe before she even came out of her room.  She was so excited to surprise me!  And I was in heaven.  Hopefully we can keep this up… it just means I need to be on top of my game every night…

Dressed by herself!  With leggings to boot!

Breakfast is usually always an ordeal,

Caroline, what do you want for breakfast?

What is there for me to have?

You can have eggs, pancakes, sticky cheerios (Hone Nut Cheerios), regular Cheerios, Wheat Chex, or oatmeal squares.  (I'm starting to see that maybe I'm giving her too many choices??)

I don't want any of those.

What do you want?

A snack.

And the discussion goes on and on until she eventually settles for sticky Cheerios and apple juice.

So, just the other morning, when we were in a rush, I simply poured her a bowl of sticky Cheerios before consulting her and put it in front of her… (luckily I hadn't poured the milk in yet)

I don't want that.  I want Wheat Chex

Wheat Chex??  Are you sure you'll really eat that?

Yes. I will.  I want Wheat Chex.

She takes one bite of Wheat Chex.  Actually I don't want Wheat Chex.  I want sticky Cheerios.

Um, no.  You said you wanted Wheat Chex.  You're having Wheat Chex.

Instantly bursts into crocodile tears yelling she will not eat them.

Five bites of Wheat Chex later, we are 45 minutes late to preschool, because I stuck to my guns.  (I know you're thinking I should not let her go to p.s. when she pulls this on me… and believe me, I have kept her home plenty of times.)

This also happened last week:

Caroline announces she's full and doesn't want to eat any more sticky Cheerios.  There are just a few floating on top of the milk…

Let's just finish the Cheerios so I don't have to throw them away.  (I pick up spoon and put it to her lips)

No!!!  My tummy hurts!  I'm full!  I don't want anymore!

I drop the spoon and head to the shower.  I'm going to jump in the shower.  If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom.

Two minutes later as I'm enjoying my relaxing shower I hear her screaming and crying.  She eventually makes her way to the bathroom crying loudly

What's wrong?

I'm hungry!!!

Go finish your breakfast!

You said you were going to help me!!!  I'm so hungry!!!  I can't eat them by myself!!!  You said you would help me!!

She lays down on the bathroom floor howling for the remainder of my shower.

Can you see how I'm ready to strangle her before 10 a.m.?

And one last story, if you can stand it.  Lately she has been purposefully deceiving me.

Emily was putting together a lego set with Caroline and came to me saying she was missing a piece.  I went into her room where she was assembling it on her dresser.  I looked through all the pieces scattered on the dresser.  I pulled out the entire dresser from the wall and looked behind it.  I pushed it back against the wall and looked under the dresser.  I looked under the bed.  Caroline stood watching me go through this whole ordeal.  I finally announced to Em I can't help her. I don't know what could have happened to the missing lego piece.  Caroline, who is clutching a purse, then very innocently says, "Oh, let me check my purse."  She opens her pink contraption and starts fumbling through it.  I grab it out of her hands and pull out the missing lego piece.

Caroline!  Did you put this in here?!

(all innocently) oh, I forgot I put it in there.

I couldn't believe how she manipulated this whole scenario and relished watching me and Em in distress looking for this missing lego when she knowingly had it in her possession the whole time!  Em would never DREAM of doing something like that.  Is this a bad sign of things to come?!  What will she be like as a teenager?!  Ben says she has no conscience and she gets that from ME!  Can you believe the nerve?  I definitely have a conscience.

So, here are some changes I'm trying to make.

First, prayer.  I need to include Heavenly Father in what I consider to be my biggest challenge right now.  I know that when I spend time praying and pleading for help, I feel His strength and presence throughout the day.

Second, my attitude.

I need to stop comparing her to Emily.  Stop wishing/hoping/expecting her to turn into a "golden child."  She is a unique individual with different gifts, personality, and needs.  She is Caroline!  And she is wonderful!

I have to be careful to not "peg" her as my "difficult" child and Em as my "easy" child, because their behavior patterns are fluid, not rigid…  for example, tonight Caroline was more cooperative at dinner and ate more spaghetti than Emily!  She is also a very enthusiastic table setter while getting Em to do it is like pulling teeth.  So, I shouldn't say or think that one child is this way and the other is that way… it's unhealthy for me and for them to hear that about themselves.  Plus, it's just not true all the time anyway.

Patience, patience, patience.  I'm always seeking more patience.  Why is it a trait I've always seemed to lack?  She's a CHILD and she's on a journey and I have the responsibility as her mother to guide and teach her how to become a decent human being.  It doesn't just happen… it's up to me to show her the way… with patience.

And a few tricks… I made this poster recently….

Close up:

As you can see, she struggles with eating her dinner…. but hey, eating breakfast is going better!

Every night, even though I'm dog tired, before we go to bed we go over each task and she gets to put a sticker on each one that she completed by herself.  The goal is to reach ten… we tally up the score, talk about what she did well, and what she can work on better tomorrow.  If she gets an 8 or higher, she can pick out a dvd to rent at the furniture store (which is the equivalent of heaven on earth for her). So far, she has not scored an 8. BUT she is doing better, she really is.  And now the expectations are much clearer for her.

And she just started going to an occupational therapist once a week.  This is a big commitment for me… it's a 40 minute drive and takes up an entire morning.  I'm really hoping it will be worth the time and help her overcome her fear of food and textures.  

And any other ideas/suggestions are more than welcome, ok?  OK?!?!  Ok.